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Shaking it Out/Coming Out

Pictured above:  How I feel like whenever I come out to someone and they’re cool about things.

Exhilarating and occasionally terrifying, coming out as a transgender woman has left me feeling unburdened.

As I type this it is the eve before I out myself to my co-workers, which includes almost 90 municipal professionals ranging from equipment operators, to finance administrators, social workers, clerks, cops, firefighters, planners, engineers a collection of elected local officials and more. I’ll also have to send a press release of sorts to local media contacts.

Part of that is so fucking terrifying I can’t begin to describe it but it’s way less terrifying/depressing than continuing to live as someone I am not.

That’s why after I tell people (my close friends and immediate family have known for months) I feel so relaxed it feels like I took a sedative. No life is without trouble or difficulty but at least now I can own my struggle.

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope

That’s a line from the song Shake it Out by Florence and the Machine, an indie rock band out of the UK. If you haven’t heard it the song is embedded below and the lyrics are there too

I always tear up a bit around that point in the song. It’s just so accurate I can’t. Begin. To. Explain.

Frankly, I could and maybe one day I will. It would take many words and much editing and tonight I’m fucking exhausted. Tomorrow is the dawn of a new day

 

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

‘Cause I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
I tried to dance with the devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

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